


The Norman Frequency

by Nightlore



Category: Heavy Rain, Murder She Wrote
Genre: Ballet, Blow Jobs, CRACKHAUS, Humor, Multi, Parody, Random - Freeform, Rave, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-02
Updated: 2012-10-02
Packaged: 2017-11-15 12:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightlore/pseuds/Nightlore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carter Blake experiences the worst day since he began working at the police station, but a certain theatrical performance could change his life and his outlook of a certain Bostonian entirely. It's David Cage's dream – a crack/parody fic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I: Office Blues

**Author's Note:**

> One of the many disappointments of Heavy Rain is the indefinite hiatus of the Chronicles series; to this day the fate of the remaining DLC's is uncertain.
> 
> What David Cage had planned for one of those installments, ladies and gentlemen, was nothing short of the most action-packed and breathtakingly beautiful idea for a video game ever! Alas, due to the immense licensing issues it would take to make this wonderful DLC would make it nearly impossible to ever be publicly released. One night, David Cage confessed to me in an email (as we are total internet besties) that he needed his dream to live on in some form; so after giving me indepth details of this particular episode, he commissioned my crappy fanfic making skills to write my own account of that installment.
> 
> The work below is that story that needed to live on in literary form…

Carter Blake’s footsteps were heavy as he solemnly made his own private walk of shame towards his captain’s office. Each step brought him closer and closer to the place that would make him acknowledge his failure as a member of law enforcement, and even more so as a man.

 His eyes darted back and forth among the bustling office; briefly looking at each of his fellow officers as they went about their business. A few of them glanced back at him from whatever file they were looking over or person they were speaking to, seeing if the man had anything to say to them. Carter could almost hear the internal sighs of relief inside their heads as he walked on, probably thanking God for sparing them from dealing with the infamous Carter Blake for the moment. The hardened cop could only imagine what they’d think if they knew the truth about what was going to happen to their most dreaded lieutenant.

“ _Oh the sons-of-bitches would probably laugh it up and love it… Bastards. Every one of ‘em._ ”, he thought.

He could only take solace in the fact that no one else in the department would see him in his moment of shame.

His partner Ash, one of the few people he was on decent terms with, had his attention buried in the screen of a computer monitor as he sat at the desk across from his own.

They made eye contact for only a few seconds, giving each other a silent nod of acknowledgement out of respect; after this Ash returned his focus back to the computer.

Blake didn’t need to even look at what the man was busying himself with; he already knew his partner was probably stalking the webpages of eBay seeking to buy another Beanie Baby to add to his personal collection. Ash was simply nuts about the tiny stuffed animals. While everyone else in the station was using their downtime to look at lewd Japanese cartoons that involved young warrior girls getting molested by monsters with tentacles (this was especially so of the secretary Charlene) Ash was hard at work looking for a rare Beanie creature that he ever-so-desperately needed for his Beanie tea parties he threw on his lunchbreak.

The lieutenant however was a rebel; he didn’t waste his energy with things like that.

His on-the-job spare time was spent reading the latest novel from the talented mystery writer and amateur detective, J.B. Fletcher. Her amazing work was one of the few things that helped him get through his day, and always managed to inspire him to continue in the fight against crime.

He could only wonder how the famed author would get herself out of a situation so dire.

As he passed by his own desk, he was reminded of his glory days as a police lieutenant. Blake hadn’t got to his position by taking the easy, follow-the-rules-never-step-out-of-line-yes-sir-no-sir route – he earned his title with his sweat and blood.

Sure his work had brought him some hard times, especially because of his take no shit attitude, but somehow he’d managed to get through it all.

The position he was currently in right now, however, was something entirely different altogether.

He wasn’t facing some elusive homicidal maniac or even dealing with the possibility of losing his job; it was the simple but effective act of humiliation created by the one person who held all the cards for as long as he could remember earning the position of lieutenant. Captain Perry was one of the most conniving individuals he’d ever met. The bastard could corner a raging bull and walk away with its testicles if animals were capable of making deals and odd bets. This was a man that once forced a young boy into giving up his Snicker candy bar after failing to beat the cretin at a game of hopscotch. Perry showed no signs of remorse when it came to the loser, sometimes Blake thought Perry got off on other people’s humiliation more than he did. Games of chance and bets were his specialty; Carter once asked him why he never went to Vegas, he got that mischievous trademark smirk commonly associated with creepers as a response.

He knew Perry probably finagled his way into getting to be head of the Homicide Division using those skills way back in the day, and also why he’d been able to stay there for so long, especially with all his political connections. Now those same fiendish abilities would be used against him, and Blake had to go along with it if he too ever wanted to attain the position of captain after Perry retired. Yet the price he was going to pay was a heavy one. Even if no one knew what was about to happen, it would still secretly haunt Blake, probably forever.

Captain Perry’s windowed, ugly eggshell blue door was a gateway to a place he’d rather not be, but he knew there was no turning back now. He gambled and lost. Only a total pansy would back out of this, and though most of the people that knew him probably wouldn’t think it, he did have a sense of honor when it came to these things.

He came to a dead halt at the door, standing there in silence. It was simply to spare himself a few more minutes before facing the consequences of failure.

Carter sighed as he felt the heavy weight of guilty growing heavier on his shoulders.

With a grim and hopeless tone in his voice, he quietly said to himself, “Well, time to get this over with…”

He knocked on the glass pane, and seconds afterward was Perry’s cue, “Come in.”

The police lieutenant opened the door in the most relaxed manner as he could be in; not wanting to seem too on edge.

He found Captain Perry at his desk, with Charlene sitting in one of the chairs in front of him. It seemed she was taking a memo for him. His captain’s brown eyes zeroed in on him with a devilish glean, “Ah Lieutenant Blake! Just the man I wanted to see…”

Blake, leaping at the chance to stall his impending doom, spoke casually, “Oh well it looks like you’re in the middle of something. I’ll come back later.”

“Don’t worry; Charlene was just on her way out. We’re all finished here.”, Perry stated with unsettling politeness.

The head secretary got up from her seat, the middle-aged woman glared at the police lieutenant as she walked past him; not saying a word as she closed the door behind her. She was one of the factors in the bet Carter had taken up with Perry, and his failure with said factor had caused him a lot of grief with her, though Charlene was the least of his worries now.

Carter eased himself into one of the yellow chairs, though he knew there was no use trying to get comfortable as the crappy leather padding was thin and practically useless. Ironically that was how most of the things were in the office, old and a pain in the ass, just like the man who used them. Even before this, Blake had always hated Captain Perry’s office. It was almost smaller than the closet space they gave to Norman, and wasn’t helped by the fact that it was filled with the aforementioned junk. The very feel of the room seemed more like a place that some washed out novelty salesman would kill himself in, and being here made the idea of suicide almost enticing to Blake; though that urge would most likely grow stronger by the end of the day.

The lieutenant couldn’t bring himself to say anything first, he just simply stared at his captain; watching him as he leaned back in his swivel chair. His body language was boasting everything he was probably thinking underneath that receding hairline, right down to the subtle smile that was slowly forming on his face.

“ _Fuckin’ prick… I’d like to see how he grins if I kicked that chair out from under his ass and then backhanded him while calling him Susan!_ ”, Carter thought maliciously.

Leighton Perry’s smile widened ever so slightly; probably knowing that his subordinate was dreaming up vile things to do to him yet was powerless to carry them out.

He leaned forward and rested his hands on the desk as he asked, “So…were you able to Silly-String the breakroom while dressed as President Lincoln without compromising your true identity?”

Blake stared at him blankly for a moment before answering the question, “…No.”

That had been his first gambit, his first failure. He’d fallen for the mistake of buying a cheap costume beard from Wal-Mart and using no prosthetics to alter his face, and when the strings to the beard snapped his hope for success had been shattered; the faux facial hair fell off as did his tall hat and Carter Blake was met with a room full of angry co-workers. Especially Officer Shrone from the Narcotics Unit, after his special Starbucks coffee had been tainted by the bright blue party favor he retaliated by lifting a few of the vending machines and throwing them into a wall; leaving only the crappy coffee maker as the station’s last resort for a pick-me-up. It was after this incident that the police lieutenant firmly believed in putting a stop to America’s growing caffeine addiction…but that was a job for the weekends.

Captain Perry brushed a piece of fuzz off of his jacket, “Hm…how about reaching level 4,751 on World of Warcraft and beating The Asswipe King in 48 hours without cheating?”

“On my salary? Christ, I don’t have the money or the time for those fuckin’ pansy-ass games. Even if I did I’d be playing somethin’ a little more manly…like Diner Dash! Nobody can run a virtual restaurant like me! When I’m in control of Flo she flies through those food orders!”, Blake zealously boasted.

In truth, the police lieutenant had tried out a trial subscription of the popular game as his local Gamestop was running a special on the newly released Noe Lyyfe Atall expansion pack. When he actually got home, however, it took him only ten minutes of playing the game to become frustrated and uninstall it from his computer. As with the nature of all MMORPGs, the game required an intense amount of social interaction; and Blake’s people skills were obviously deplorable. In those ten minutes he’d managed to piss off a 16 year old girl in Greenwich, Connecticut who was a powerful Death Knight that went by the name of “Gimsy” and a 30 year old man in Fontana, California who used the digital disguise as a female Priest named “PonyGirl34” in order to engage in wild chat-speak cybersex with unsuspecting homophobic players. Blake had demanded all their money and items tied to their accounts in hopes of making the daunting task set by his captain a little easier. Unfortunately, Blake’s low level Hunter (whom he affectionately named “MasterFlo”) was no match for either player and was defeated in seconds. All he could do thereafter was send them both vicious messages full of vulgarities that were watered down by the censorship implemented in the system, which reduced them to nothing more than comical phrases. After he was done trying to verbally assault them he deleted all remnants of the game and consoled himself by playing as his all-time favorite waitress for the rest of the afternoon; getting the highest scores possible in Diner Dash.

Perry continued on, “Alright, what about running down both Lombard Street and South Broad Street to the Bainbridge Street intersection in under eight minutes and thirty seconds without stepping on a crack? You know I have my ways of checking up on things...so don’t bother lying to me.”

(Interestingly enough, Captain Perry’s “ways” was actually a spy network of homeless people strewn about the city that had been enticed by Twinkies, cheap booze, and cigarettes in exchange for their loyalty and two of the captain’s James Bond hobos had watched Carter attempt to perform the task that very day.)

To Blake, this failure was probably the most embarrassing of them all. Though his body would not suggest careless obesity, the lieutenant’s devotion to Diner Dash on the computer and his love of greasy Philly Cheese Steak burgers had put him quite out of shape, thus he was not able to reach the designated point within the allotted time; in fact, he could only run less than half of Lombard St., which turned into a brisk jog towards the first intersection onto S. Broad St., which then became a strained power walk for less than a quarter of the length of the block; when he actually reached the S. Broad St.-Bainbridge St. Intersection his efforts had been reduced to a slow, pathetic, and weary crawl to the finishing point. In total it had taken Lt. Carter Blake almost twenty-five minutes and forty-six seconds to travel a couple city blocks. He remembered the cab driver’s expression when finally managed to flag one down to take him home; the Hispanic woman said he looked as if he’d been wandering the desert for many days and nights. Carter replied to the vivacious cabbie that he might as well have, and then directed her to take him to “Joe’s Spithouse” – the best place in all of Philadelphia to get a Philly Cheese Steak burger.

Blake cleared his throat before responding to the question, “Well...uh...it took me a bit longer than eight minutes but if I’d have had a couple extra minutes I’d have made it for sure! This cheetah just hasn’t had time to work out his legs is all!”

Captain Perry’s voice took on a dry tone, “...Did you make it without stepping on a crack?”

The lieutenant lowered his head in shame, “No, I... I stepped on a crack...”

“And...?”, Perry questioned further.

“And I broke my mama’s back! Alright, asshole?!”, Carter yelled in angered remorse.

(It should be noted that Carter, being the anti-Christ, does not technically have a true mother; the Devil made him out of all things opposite of sugar and spice and everything nice. Blake simply made this comment for dramatic effect.)

The captain scoffed at his underling’s anguish, “Oh for Pete’s sake, lieutenant, did you even manage to get Charlene to kick her dependence on obscene pornography?”

Blake said nothing; he just continued to start at the whitewash tiled floor in regret. He recounted his failures with a heavy heart and a clenched fist. Fully knowing he’d lost it all, and now all he had to do was wait for Perry to bring it to an end.

“Hmph. I suppose I should have been able to answer that one myself when she came in here with her skirt and hair all messed up singing ‘Pretty Woman’! I swear she’s the worst of us when it comes to that, at least I wait until I get home to masturbate!”, Perry noted with annoyance.

He leaned back in his chair as he stared at his subordinate. Returning his attention to the matter at hand, he said, “Very well, Blake. I’ll give you one last chance…”

If Carter Blake had been a dog his ears would be at full attention at this point; a glimmer of hope had cast itself over him. With renewed vigor, he exclaimed, “What is it?! I’m on it! Hit me with whatever you got! I’ll make damn sure I get it right this time!”

Perry pulled a deck of cards from his jacket, “I’ve got these cards here so pick a card, any ca–”

Before he finished the sentence he immediately threw them across the room and yelled in rapid succession, “Surprise five question pop quiz! Answer them all correctly, you win! Quick! What is the name of Dorothy Zbornak’s mother on The Golden Girls?!”

Momentarily dumbstruck by the sudden outburst, Blake stumbled, “Uh-uh…Sophia Petrillo! Thank god I’m able to catch the re-runs on the Lifetime network between playthroughs of Diner Dash!”

“Correct! The ‘Fat Man’ atomic bomb was based on what type of assembly method?”

“Implosion method!”, Carter said with a smug look, adding, “Yeah I watch the History Channel!”

“That’s correct. What is the average annual rainfall in Detroit, Michigan?”

The seasoned lieutenant became even more proud, “Easy! Thirty-one inches! Oh I work a little bit of the Weather Channel in there too!”

“Correct again. True or false: I love my life.”

With his take-no-shit-attitude back in full force, Carter laughed, “Ha! False! Oh before you correct me, Captain Perry, I’ll tell you why…no matter what you do you’ll always be stuck driving that shitty ’96 Sebring convertible because your wife Gladys likes it and we both know that she owns your sorry ass! In fact, she dresses up in a dominatrix outfit after church on Sundays and after she’s done whipping the bejeezus out of you she makes you clean the toilets with a scrub brush attached to your face!”

The police lieutenant titled his head as his gaze emitted even more of that infamous cavalier attitude, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg too! I could go on about the boils you constantly get on your wrinkly ass or the fact that your irritable bowel syndrome can be triggered by just the slightest amount of dairy products and will haunt you well into the day! Or that you can’t buy that precious HelloKitty backpack because the world would laugh at you so much you’d cry like the little girl whose mom wouldn’t buy her one! And there’s so much more! Face it, Susan – you hate your life! You hate it so much that you need to play all these little fuckin’ games with people so you can taste that five minutes of power! That you can have that something to dangle over their heads to make yourself feel important! And that’s why you’re so afraid of retiring and handing the reins over to me! ‘Cause you know damn well I’ll do a better job than you! And that really puts a twist in your panties, doesn’t it, Susan?! Yeah I figured it all out! And I didn’t even need a fuckin’ degree in psychology like Norman to get inside your head! No I got it all, Susan! I hit it right out of the fuckin’ park! Take it, Susan! Take it!”

The chief of the Homicide Division looked unaffected by the vicious telling of his secrets even as he acknowledged them, “Very good, Lieutenant, very good. I’m impressed that you were able to find out those things about me, perhaps there may be some hope for you yet. If you know all those things then you should be able to answer this question…what is the capital of Genovia?”

In a split second, all of Carter Blake’s bravado disappeared like water down a drain as his mind searched frantically for the answer, “ _Shit! I should have paid more attention in my damn Geography class in high school! I was too busy staring at my pencil! But it was one hell of a pencil! Fuck! Where is Genovia even at?! It’s probably one of those tiny ass countries in Western Europe that no one gives a shit about! Come on! Think dammit!_ ”

Blake could feel the time slipping away; he tried his best not to show his desperation, aware that his captain would only feed off of it and he didn’t want to give “the bastard” any satisfaction.

Despite his efforts to cloak his external deposition, Captain Perry was already savoring the moment as he asked Blake with sarcastic demure, “Having a little trouble, Lieutenant? I’m shocked. You were down right brilliant only seconds ago…”

“ _This fucker is one sick individual. He knows I don’t know the goddamn answer! I’m so goddamn close! If I only I knew the fuckin’ answer!_ ”, Blake thought.

In a sinister fashion, Perry rested his elbows on his desk and began tapping the tips of his fingers together, “Your time is running out, Lieutenant. Don’t make me start humming the theme to Jeopardy like every moron does in these situations.”

Carter knew his last chance was diminishing as quick as it had appeared; the weight was returning as the seconds passed by.

“Well, Lieutenant Blake, do you know the answer?”, Perry asked.

His subordinate said nothing, simply bowing his head in defeat; not caring if Perry would get off on seeing him in such a state. He’d lost it all.

Leighton Perry threw his head back as he scoffed, “Ha! Look at you! Pathetic! Even I have a little more dignity after Gladys is through with me! Do you want to know the best part is? That was a trick question! There is no Genovia, Blake! Genovia is a fictional European country from the book and film ‘The Princess Diaries’!”

With rage, Blake shot up from his seat and slammed his fist on the desk, “Fuckin’ asshole! You know I’m more of a Kate Hudson fan, so you knew I wouldn’t know the answer to that question! The only movie I’ve seen with Anne Hathaway is Bride Wars!”

In retaliation, Captain Perry stood up from his own seat and brought his face close to Blake’s, “Exactly! And if they hadn’t made up at the end of the movie Anne’s character, Emma, would have most definitely had the better wedding!”

Again the lieutenant slammed his fist on the desk with great force, “That’s bullshit! Kate’s character was much more out-going and stylish! For fuck’s sake, her name said it all – Liv! Anne Hathaway’s character couldn’t even compete, especially in real life too! Besides Liv’s groom seemed to have it together unlike Emma!”

(Though neither of them admitted it after they watched the film at Perry’s house, both men secretly wished both of their beloved actresses’ respective characters would have simply dumped their lame husbands-to-be and ran off and married each other instead as they were much more perfect for each other. Not surprisingly, this inspired Captain Perry and Blake to write a few touching fanfictions and publish them under inconspicuous author names in secret on a few sites; becoming the founding fathers of the Emma/Liv pairing.)

Ignoring his underling’s rebuttal about the subject of the movie, Perry snarled, “Face it, Blake… You lost. You failed at a test of stealth, a test of patience, a test of agility, a test of persuasion, and a test of intelligence. You’re sure as hell not ready to be the chief of the Homicide Division.”

Blake’s eyelids opened and closed rapidly as he was dumbfounded by the statement, “Stealth?! Agility?! You certainly don’t fuckin’ have those! You don’t even have patience, asshole! All you do is sit around all day signin’ a few fuckin’ papers and spout off on a microphone for some goddamn reporters! You don’t even do _half_ the other things you’re supposed to! How in the fuck are you gonna expect those qualities from someone else when you yourself don’t even have them, huh?!”

Captain Perry broke their angered visual exchange and took a moment to fix his tie before sitting back down in his chair, “That’s not the point, Lieutenant. It’s the principal of the thing…but you have got to admit I’ve got plenty of persuasion to make up for the things I lack. So it looks like I’m not going to be retiring any time soon. Ha ha! No new Head of Homicide for this station! I’ve got you dead-to-rights!”

Carter’s upper lip twitched for a few seconds; irritated especially so by the last remark. The phrase ‘dead-to-rights’ was a favorite of Captain Perry’s, often saying it at least six times a day. The lieutenant wasn’t entirely sure whether the man truly knew the meaning of the idiom or loved it so much that he’d use it even if it didn’t pertain to the situation, either way he’d heard the expression so much that he’d develop a miniscule seizure upon hearing it. Blake could recall the man saying the exact same thing to his pet goldfish every time he fed it. The little fish would swim up to the top of the tank as Perry dropped the flakes of food onto the water’s surface; having that same sinister grin with a matching sinister chuckle going, “ _I’ve got you dead-to-rights!_ ” In fact, Carter Blake was convinced that even the goldfish would go into frustrated spasms upon hearing those words.

Unfortunately for the police lieutenant, his captain did have him ‘dead-to-rights’ now.

After a quick bout of victorious laughter, Perry shifted in his seat and said, “Well, Lt. Blake, now that you’ve fully realized defeat I believe you should pay up now. You do know what that means, don’t you?”

Blake sighed with utter despair, “Yeah...”

Captain Perry clapped his hands once and then started rubbing them together with glee, “That’s right, Anita! You gotta get down and suck my dick!”

Carter couldn’t stand Perry’s vile, braggart tone; he was all too happy to make his subordinate even more of a lesser man to him. Yet there was no backing out of this now, no matter how much he hated it.

The perverse old man motioned Carter to come around the desk, “Get over here, Anita! It’s time to keep up your end of the bargain!”

The lieutenant’s legs felt like rubber as he quietly shuffled his way around the workspace, but he was able to maintain an air of manliness on the outside. Once again there was no need to give him more satisfaction than what was required.

Perry swiveled his chair sideways to face Blake; his legs slightly apart as he waited for the other man to kneel before him. Of course, Carter Blake had never done anything remotely like this in his life (…though he came pretty close during those few wild frat parties he was invited to back in his youth).

Although he wasn’t keen on the idea in the first place he wished he had a choice as to who he would perform such a twisted act on, “ _Ugh… Christ… Why this dickhead? Why can’t it be that blonde guy from that Buffy TV show? Or a younger Burt Reynolds? Fuck even the Pillsbury Doughboy with a fuckin’ six pack would be a million times better! Hey…that’s it! Maybe if I try to imagine Perry as someone else I’ll be able to do this!_ ”

Lieutenant Blake’s mind began projecting a more desired image of James Marsters in his Spike role onto Captain Perry’s form.

In moments Leighton Perry had transformed from a balding 52 year old that looked like a character off of Seinfeld to a young, sexy, bleached-blonde English vampire dressed in tight acid-washed jeans, biker boots, and a charcoal trenchcoat. As Carter approached the infamous blood-fiend adored by many Buffy enthusiasts, the illusionary Spike gave him a charming wink and a cheeky grin.

“ _Alright I’m gettin’ a little too turned on by this. Let’s try something else…_ ”

Suddenly Spike melted into the classic version of macho icon, Burt Reynolds. Of course he looked as if he’d just stepped off the set of his 1977 film, Smokey and The Bandit; wearing that same bright red button up shirt, beige cowboy hat, and skin hugging-sky blue jeans that Bandit wore. The rugged hero briefly ran a thumb against the right side of his dark moustache as he looked at Blake with equally dark eyes. After tipping his cowboy hat, those rough hands began undoing the buttons on that crimson work-shirt; when the top three buttons had been unbound a manly trove of jet black chest hair was exposed for the lieutenant’s eyes to feast upon. Then, music that sounded like it came out of a 70’s porno began to accompany Bandit’s eager movements.

“ _Holy shit! I’m getting wayyyy too turned on by this! Moving on!_ ”

The music stopped and Bandit dissolved into the Pillsbury Doughboy. Of course this wasn’t the puffy little pile of paste that one would normally see on a roll of ready-made Pillsbury cookie dough; Blake’s version was more like the Pillsbury Doughboy had spent his time taking muscle enhancers and lifting 400 pound weights as opposed to joyously running around people’s kitchens and getting his stomach poked. The Doughboy had a Herculean body that even Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jean-Claude van Damme could approve of. All he was wearing was a pink man-thong and his trademark chef’s toque on his head; the rest was all thick, veiny muscle.

The Doughboy had a playful glean in his big blue eyes as he spoke to Carter in a deep, calming voice that was akin to Barry White’s, “Hello there, Blake. You wanna work this dough until it’s nice and soft, baby?”

Though most people would be quite disturbed by this vision, the seasoned cop found it to be hilarious as he began laughing; trying his best to keep his notion of the newfound humor inside.

However it didn’t work as The Pillsbury Doughboy’s huge inviting eyes turned into angry orbs of discontent, “Wha’chu laughin’ at, Anita? You ain’t gonna be all giggles when I shove this big slab of solid dough down ya throat! You hear me?!”

Blake continued to give out muffled fits of laughter; he was losing focus on imagining his captain as something other than himself. As The Doughboy began yelling other vulgarities his voice slowly began to change into Captain Perry’s, “I said what the hell are you laughing at, Anita?! Quit screwing around dammit!”

In a split second Perry was just plain old Perry again, albeit an angry old Perry; sitting in his office chair with his shirt unbuttoned so that a thick carpet of salt and peppered chest hair (which did not look as attractive on him as it did Mr. Reynolds) to greet his underling.

“Get over here and perform your duties, lieutenant! This is the one time of the year Gladys takes off my chastity belt and I wanna enjoy it! This cock isn’t going to suck itself!”

Carter’s laughter died down immediately as reality set back in. He quietly kneeled before his superior; feeling violated even before the true humiliation had begun. The lieutenant remained in that position for some time in silence. Though he knew what his predicament entailed, it was different viewing the action from the other perspective. Once it was he who got sucked, now it would be he who was doing the sucking.

With great timidity, Blake’s fingers undid the snap-button at the top, then grabbed the latch for the zipper of the light gray slacks and began pulling the tab down. It was the longest unzipping of both men’s entire lives.

When he was done his captain sat eagerly in the chair with the front half of some lacey black lingerie to be revealed underneath the otherwise manly trousers. Lieutenant Blake stared at the man for some time with an extremely confused look upon his face.

Leighton sighed with frustration, “Don’t ask! You don’t need any info for your task, Anita! Just hurry up and get to the part where you blow me!”

“ _Holy shit… And here I was makin’ comments about putting a twist in his panties and it turns out he really wears them!_ ”, Blake thought.

His subordinate cleared his throat, hesitantly pulling down the chic feminine undergarment very slowly –

“GAME OVAH, MAN! GAME OVAH!”, a familiar voice shouted from outside the office.

Upon hearing the voice, Blake thought, “ _No! It can’t be!_ ”

Without warning, Perry’s door flung open with great force as a dark gray shape kicked it open. There in the doorway stood Agent Norman Jayden; dressed in the same suit the lieutenant had first seen him in since he’d been assigned to the now closed Origami Killer case. Though it was Jayden who single-handedly solved the mystery of the horrible killings, Carter was still annoyed by the man and maintained the outlook that the Bostonian was his arch-enemy.

Stepping into the room with oddball gusto, Norman boasted, “Yah see! Cartuh Blake ain’t thuh oh’lee one who can kick down’ah door!”, and he continued with, “I think I…I…”

His voice had trailed off; the sight before him had put him at a loss for words. Upon fully realizing what was taking place inside Perry’s office his pale green eyes widened to their greatest extent and he ceased to move as he was paralyzed by pure shock. Though all three men were completely still now, unsure of what to do.

Blake’s bad day had just gotten seriously worse; now the two men who could really get under his skin were both witnessing him in a time of great humiliation and one of them was doing it to him.

The silence was broken by a cheery, pleasant female voice that got louder as its owner got closer to the doorway, “Norman you know I’m not ready to re-enact scenes from Aliens! And what is all this going around kicking doors open today? You certainly are– Oh my…”

The woman stopped behind Norman, taken aback by the delicate situation they had walked into just like him.

In that instant, Lieutenant Carter Blake nearly died when he saw who it was – standing right behind the interloping federal agent was none other than the great crime novelist and detective Jessica Beatrice Fletcher herself! Now his even worse day had just become the _worst_ day of his entire life. Not only was his moment of complete degradation being viewed by the two men he hated most, but now it would be witnessed by one of his personal heroes.

“ _Christ… Why not throw in some hot, legal Asian schoolgirls to gawk at me just for icing on this shitty cake!_ ”, Carter thought dryly.

Ironically enough, a squad of rather attractive North Korean schoolgirls in navy blue uniforms quietly entered the room; slipping behind Norman and Jessica to spread out so that the whole group could see the spectacle.

It was then that Carter began to wonder what divine entity in the universe wanted to bring him such vengeful suffering; and began questioning whether or not he’d been a little too brutal toward others in his career as a policeman. If Perry’s closed off little hellhole had a window he’d have surely jumped out of it in order to kill himself, but alas, he was trapped and forced to face further shame.

Jayden was the first to speak directly, “Cartuh… I di’n’t know you an’ Perry were… I mean who’duh thought! An’ people said pairin’ us up was wee’ird an’ unthinkahble!”

Blake’s response shot out of his mouth like a bullet, “This isn’t what it looks like! It’s an office-wide check for lice! There’s been a horrible case of the little bastards goin’ around and we need to put a stop to ‘em!”

The lieutenant then pulled Perry’s silky panties down a little further but looked away towards the wall as he nervously hummed before letting the waistband of the garments snap back into place; cheerfully noting, “Looks like we’re clear there, Captain! I guess that finishes–”

Leighton cut him off sharply with, “Shut up, Blake! You were about to toss my salad like a pretty new inmate in the cellblock!”, then turned his aggression towards the intruders, “And what’s with the dame and the sneaky Japs?!”

It was Jessica’s turn to chime in, “Actually Captain Perry, these bright young girls are from North Korea. They are a select group of 22 year old members of Kim II-sung University who have been chosen to come to the United States as part of a program to attempt to bring peace between the two countries. I have been asked to show them around a few cities and look after them during their stay, and the FBI assigned my longtime friend Agent Jayden here to travel alongside us as a precaution.”

(Actually the aforementioned girls were ruthless spies sent by Kim Jong-il to learn US government secrets and possibly hijack a few experimental aerial fighters. Thankfully Jessica had caught onto their scheme almost minutes after she’d been introduced to all of them at the airport and was now leading them to all sorts of useless and random places; effectively making their mission a failure. In fact, this had probably been the most interesting thing they’d seen their entire trip.)

“And just who the hell are you?”, Perry inquired with an air of arrogance.

The famed New England author introduced herself with politeness despite the captain’s hostility, “I’m Jessica Fletcher. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Captain.”

Almost as soon as he heard the name, Leighton’s facial expression turned sour as though a foul odor was in the air, “Yes, you’re that lady who goes around sticking her nose in police business where it doesn’t belong so you can get little tidbits for your books that you push out year after year like CBS does with crappy crime dramas and unfunny sitcoms. Well Mrs. Fletcher you’ll be happy to know that you’ve got a reader right in this office; Lieutenant Blake puts his face in your books exactly like he was about to his face in between my legs!”

“Oh…well it’s always nice to meet a fan!”, she said as she gave a quick nod to Carter who was still on his knees.

Though all he could manage in response was a nervous smile before looking back down at the ground, “ _Dammit! She knows I’m a fan! Now I’ll never be able to show myself at her book signings! That means we’ll never get to become pen pals and that means we’ll never become friends! Oh but that rat bastard gets to be all buddy buddy with her because he’s a hotshot Fibbie from Boston with a goofy accent! Hey, wait a minute! That means I’ll never be able to show her the novel I’m writing either! If that asshole Jayden is writing a book of his own I swear to god I’m gonna blow his fuckin’ brains out here and now!_ ”

Norman smirked, “Yeah eh’cept when they wanna have yah take’ah look att’ah book they’re writing!” His voice changed to a hysterical mocking tone, “Ohhhhh Mizzez Fletchah I think yah so great! I’ve read all’ah yah books! Can I write lett’uhs to yah in Cab’et Cove?! Maybe you can look at ah miz’tuhree nahvel I’m workin’ on so yah can tell me it’s wonduhful an’ I’ll be ah great ah’thuh jus’ like you!”

Jessica rolled her eyes and then playfully swatted the federal agent on the arm, “Oh now, Jayden, not everyone’s like that! And just because I said your novella was good does not mean you need to be getting a big ego all of the sudden, young man.”

He laughed, “Yeah, yeah I know. I guess I should be thankful yah put me through to yah publishah ‘cuz I might’ah nevah gaht it published oth’uhwise. I reellie feel that it’s mai doo’tie tuh give back tuh thuh lituhairee world. Especially since there’s so many terribull books out there right now with hahrriblull plots an’ unreelistic characters.”

At that moment, Blake’s right hand moved toward his holster on his hip, but he would become greatly displeased upon realizing he’d left his gun at his desk; so all he could do was remain still as he silently fumed over the whole thing.

Perry broke up the conversation between the two, “I’m glad my office has become the stage for the next version of The View. While we’re at it we can call up and invite Scott Shelby’s mother at the home so she can take Whoopi Goldberg’s place!” He then gave a fake chuckle before snapping at Norman, “Now tell me just what the hell _you’re_ doing here, Agent Jayden!”

The federal agent blinked for a moment, then adjusted his tie, “Well I…uh…”


	2. Act II: TECHNO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second act!
> 
> Please note for the following scenes in this chapter to make even the slightest bit of sense and/or be a little funnier it helps to have seen the movie Black Swan as it parodies it quite a bit (because David Cage and I loved this movie so much). This is especially so of the "club scene"; for those of you who haven't seen it you can search for it on YouTube to get the gist. It may also be useful to view the slowed down versions of it to actually see all of Nina Sayers' hallucinations of which most of this fic is playing off of. It's awesome shit I tell yah!
> 
> Also I have estimated Jessica Fletcher's age from the earlier seasons of Murder She Wrote and transposed her into HR's current time for all you anally retentive crazies out there.
> 
> Now take some exstacy, hit the lights, and read!

Norman looked to his literary-acclaimed companion briefly, to which she nodded her head as though she were urging him to continue on with what he had to say to the Homicide Chief.

"I have somethin' I wanna say, Cap'tin Perry!", he said.

Perry sighed with much irritation in his voice, "Fine, fine. Just hurry up and spit it out so I can enjoy my week of genital freedom."

Norman took a deep breath and then let loose his rage that had built up, "Cap'tin Perry…I jus' want yah tuh know that I think yah'ah shithead! A big smell'ee-no good-pant'ee wairin' shithead! An' I fah one was reellie disah'pointed in how I had tah do practically ehvreethin' ahround here durin' mai time on thuh Origami Killah case; from takin' care'ah Chaleen's papuhwerk so she could look at porn all day tuh organizin' all yah Ann Hathuh'way moo'vees while still workin' on'thah case! In fact, I think one of thuh biggest reasons yah didn't like me was because I said thuh word 'origami' right! Beecause it's _naht_ 'OR-RIG-GAME-EE', Perry! You an' Blake need'tah get that straight! An' jus' cuz I'm from Bahstin does naht mean I am less intelligent than you. We Bahstoneians are'ah vairy skilled people. Jus' take'ah look at Mah'k Wahllburg an' Dah'nee Wahllburg! An' I'm gonna tell mai suhperiuhs that yah ah big smell'ee shithead too! I hope yah stinkee-stink is all ovah yah sweaty bawlls so Cartuh can have'ah taste! An' you guys bettah naht get married in thuh Poconos, 'cuz I'm gonna get married there one day an' I don't want tuh know that you two puhlooted it with yah shithead ways!"

Leighton stared at him for a minute, then asked, "Not that I understood a damn word of that but is that all?"

A big smile formed on the face of the profiler, "Yeah that's prett'ee much it. T'anks fuh lettin' me get all that out. I feel ruh'freshed an' ready tuh do some more ree-enactin'!"

Mrs. Fletcher shook her head as she laughed, "Oh Norman I told you we are not doing anymore scenes from Aliens today! You made a wonderful Private Hudson but I believe we did enough damage in the mall after we used the machine gun rounds and the flamethrowers. Plus the girls are getting tired of crawling on the walls and making hissing noises and spitting sulfuric acid all over everyone."

(Jessica and Norman were fond of playing out various parts of their favorite movies in their spare time; a sort of odd street theatre-like performance except that they performed anywhere and preferred superb modern film classics over small works by playwrights no one ever heard of. Their re-enactments were quite good, almost too good some would say. If they both weren't famous public icons they both would have been locked up in a mental institution for all the insane stunts they pulled.)

"Sahrrie. I jus' reellie enjoyed yah portrayal of Ellen Ripl'ee an' thuh girls made reellie good zeenah'morphs! So…what should we do now?", he inquired.

The mystery writer's eyes drifted toward the ceiling as she pondered as to what movie they should take on next, "Hm…"

Her face lit up as soon as the answer struck her, looking at her friend with great interest as she suggested, "I think we should try our hand at…Black Swan…"

Jayden gasped like a child that had just been double-dog dared to lick a metal lamp post in the middle of a freezing winter, "Reellie? Oh Jessickah I think it's ah wondah'full idea!"

"Well I'm excited about it myself. I think I should play the part of Lily, after all I'm the one who'd be most experienced for the role…thanks to a few adventures in Vegas that nobody knows about!", she stated with a wink.

(Carter was especially curious about these "adventures"…)

Norman looked around the room, "So which one'uh thuh girls are gonna play Nee'nah Sayahz?"

"…Well Norman I was thinking that you'd be perfect for the role of Nina Sayers."

Like a surprised contestant that had just won a beauty pageant, Jayden covered his mouth with his hands briefly before saying, "Do yah reellie think so, Jessickah? Do yah reellie think I can do it?"

"Why of course, Jayden! Don't be so modest!", she said to him and then turned her attention to a pair of girls standing near them, "Mi Young, you'll play the part of Andrew and Chae Rin you'll play the role of Tom! Everyone else is a dancer!"

After finishing giving directions her face turned back to Norman with a devious smirk, "I think you already know what scene I'm going for…"

Jayden could only respond with a sly grin of his own, "Well I jus' hope I can do thuh one I wanna do aftah this!"

By the look on Captain Perry's face, Carter saw that he was just as confused as he was. Even now both men seemed completely unsure of what was going on but simply kept quiet to see what the two comrades would do next.

Jessica joyously exclaimed, "Haha! Come on, Norman! Let's shake a tail feather!" She pointed to another girl standing off to the side, "Soo Yun, would you get the lights for us please?"

Soo Yun walked over to the lightswitch near the door, though before she could flick the switch, Norman stopped her, "Hang on'ah second! I gaht somethin' that'll reellie inspie'uh me since we're doin' this pahticulah scene!"

With that, the FBI agent disappeared out the door for only an instant. When he came back in the room he was shoving an empty plastic vial in his pocket. Jayden's eyes were practically bulging out of his skull and his hands were extremely shaky, as if he were excited beyond the point of excitement while he wiped his nose. His mouth spat out words like debris from a woodchipper as he stuttered, "A-A-Ah r-right! I-I-I'm reellie, reellie ready now! I'm jus' soooo ready tuh dance! More ready than ready! Yeah I came here tuh dance! Cuh'mon let's do this!"

The seemingly aloof college girl performed her designated duty; the lights went out for a moment, then she turned them on again. Everyone remained perfectly still. Soo Yun worked the switch again, the lights went out; and she'd turn them on again. It continued in this way for a few seconds.

"Whatever it is they're going to do it better be damn good because this is going to be hell on our electric bill…", Perry mumbled to Blake.

Soo Yun was turning the lights on and off faster now; the white overhead lights were becoming a grueling flash.

In all the years Carter Blake had been a police lieutenant he'd learned to sense when things were about to get heavy; and he was getting that feeling that now. Even the air in the office was now charged with some kind of potent, unseen energy. He could tell he was about to witness something magical.

Suddenly the flickering white of the bulbs turned into a downpour of passionate red-magentas, then to pitch blackness, then wild jungle greens, and fading back to black to repeat the process again; though it was not directly from the overhead lights themselves but it seemed to be coming from undetectable strobe lights. Loud electronic music began playing from unseen speakers. In between the flashes of red and green Blake saw the forms of the group beginning to dance. In mere seconds Perry's unwholesome office had went from a cramped workspace to a dancefloor for a high-octane rave. Now everything made sense to him – they were recreating the infamous club scene from the popular psychological-thriller Black Swan.

Carter had seen the film with Charlene when it first came out. He remembered talking to her at the watercooler almost a year before the movie was released when she started telling him about how she read on some internet forums that there was going to be a crazy ballet movie that was going to have a hot sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. Though he was disappointed Kate Hudson wasn't going to be in it, he was still extremely excited about getting the chance to see both of the stimulating actresses get down with each other.

(…Just like the other 90% of the global male population who went to see it).

Overall he felt the movie was fantastic and not just because of the sex; but for the many hidden themes contained within the movie. After seeing it he now had a slight appreciation for ballet and would turn on the classical radio stations every once in a while to listen to some grandiose orchestral music that sounded similar to what was featured in the film. As good as it was, the lieutenant never thought somebody would ever try to perform parts from it like some Shakespearian play, however, he was interested as to how this could go. He was especially keen on seeing Jessica play the role of Nina's flirty and promiscuous rival Lily; though he couldn't say the same about his own enemy trying to be Nina Sayers. Either way he intended to watch them as it saved him from having to perform oral sex on his boss.

As he watched the mad dancers he became more and more intrigued as they were already proving themselves to be more than just amateur actors. They had the entire set down to a 't' so far; with the infectious beat of the memorable techno song to the hypnotic and dizzying lighting effects. Carter noticed they all had changed their clothes somehow; the girls had exchanged their uniforms for various skimpy outfits that complimented their shapes (which Blake was very happy to see) with the exception of the two girls playing the respective parts of the two boys that Nina and Lily meet at the bar as they were dressed in plaid shirts and jeans with their hair tied up to look more masculine, Mrs. Fletcher had went from her white-and-pink floral dress to a sleek-low cut jet black tank top with matching black jeans (which Blake was extremely pleased with), Norman went from his annoying suit to a charcoal sheer tank top with a white tank top underneath and dark cargo pants that were similar in nature to Nina's (which Blake didn't care about except that it was amusing to find out that Norman Jaydens could live outside of their stuffy suits).

The police lieutenant wasn't sure how they had managed these amazing feats in so little time but he knew he'd probably never figure out the answer so he drew his attention to Jessica and "Tom". The two were dancing perfectly to the music as "Tom" wrapped her hands around her partner's waist from behind. Though Blake knew they were supposed to be acting and that the pretty Asian girl was pretending to be a man he still found the whole thing rather enticing. He was glad that he'd still get to see some girl-on-girl action despite the change in actors; watching Jessica's now smoky-shadowed eyelids close in ecstasy as her hips kept swinging to the insanely fast rhythm and let her arms reach behind her to land on the back of her partner's neck in a reversed embrace. This was proof that even a 58 year old lady could tear up a dancefloor just as easily as some girl in her 20's (though that didn't apply to Madison Paige who had the dancing skills of a flamingo). Carter appreciated that in a woman; in fact he'd always had a slight thing for mature women and cougars…perhaps even more than he did for the trashy blonde college girls most people expected him to be fond of. The notion that Jessica Fletcher was so refined and an expert in the field of criminal investigation made her even more appealing to him and admired her greatly. His ultimate fantasy was to have a three-way with the female sleuth and Blanche Devereaux off of The Golden Girls, but this situation was certainly shaping up to be just as good.

Out of curiosity, Blake glanced off to the side of the room to see what Norman was doing. The federal agent was trying to keep up with J.B. and her partner but unfortunately he and "Andrew/Jerry" were having slight difficulties. Though Jayden wasn't tripping over himself like Carter would have hoped, his movements still felt forced and robotic as the young man tried to dance along in the same style as his compatriot. This scene was a critical step to the liberation of Nina's character and the Bostonian was simply not cutting it. The lieutenant thought it was an insult to the role and if he knew the other man would have heard him he'd have booed him right then and there.

(Of course some would say that Carter was just jealous because Norman was dancing with a hot Korean schoolgirl and he wasn't).

In any case his gaze returned to "Lily" and "Tom"; watching them as they started to dance face-to-face with each other. The lieutenant was only able to observe them for so long when suddenly a man who was clearly not supposed to be there walked past them.

Blake couldn't make out much but he seemed to be pretty average in height and wore plain street clothes.

Though the man had went around Mrs. Fletcher and "Tom" successfully, it seemed he wouldn't be able to do the same for the other two dancers. As he neared Norman and "Andrew", the federal agent quickly tried shifting his dance technique to something a little more flashy by stepping backward and thus right into the random man.

The unknown man shouted, "Hey, watch it man!", then moved towards the other side of the room.

Carter could see that Norman was taken completely off guard and was looking a little nervous now but tried to ignore it and continued to dance.

However, the blunders would continue as yet another intruding stranger would bump into Norman as he tried to walk past; screaming in an unflattering effeminate voice, "Hey watch it!"

Though it was barely audible over the loud music, Blake heard the poor representation of Nina mumble, "…fuck it…goddamn déjà vu happenehn' all ovah again…" under his breath. Seeing his rival getting frustrated and failing miserably was putting a smile on his face.

Strangely enough, a small blue sedan appeared out of nowhere right behind Norman and before the young woman playing Andrew could warn him about it he backed right into the car; causing him to fall backward and barrel-roll over the hood of the vehicle. Blake didn't even have time to laugh at how the FBI profiler tumbled on the car like one of the Three Stooges before a short man wearing a white apron stepped out of the automotive yelling, "Hey what about my tomatoes?"

Though it wasn't clear how tomatoes had been damaged in this situation that was the least of Norman's worries as he landed on his back on the floor. When he attempted to stand up he instantly lost his balance and stumbled into another average joe who also didn't belong in the room.

"Hey man, what's your problem?", he shouted.

The song came to an abrupt stop and the lights returned to normal; Jessica and the girls were staring at the spectacle. Jayden backed away from the individual only to wind up running into a middle-aged soccer mom.

"Hey!", was the only thing her nasally voice could yell in surprise.

The profiler tried getting out of her way completely as he timidly apologized, "Sahrrie! I'm reellie sahrrie!"

As he stumbled into more ill-placed persons, a woman's blood curdling shriek filled the room. It was utter chaos now and Norman was crashing into the same people who in turn would give their same responses.

"HEY!"

"HEY MAN WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"HEY WATCH IT!"

"HEY WATCH IT, MAN!"

"THE TOMATOES! MY GODDAMN TOMATOES!"

"HEY! YOU DIDN'T START YOUR SENTENCE WITH 'HEY'! DON'T BREAK THE FUCKIN' RULES, MAN!"

"OH HEY I'M SORRY! - HEY THE TOMATOES! MY GODDAMN TOMATOES!"

"HEY IT'S OKAY, MAN!"

"HEY!"

"AHHHHHH!"

The federal agent was bouncing off people like a pinball and it continued to be that way for a few minutes longer. Blake was enjoying every second of it. Eventually Jayden was able to make himself stand still, but just when it seemed that he was safe from harm, a flock of white chickens began swarming him; flapping their wings and pecking at him viciously.

Norman did his best to swat them away, "Ah'no naht again! Shit, I _still_ hate these damn birds! Go on, shoo! This is Black Swan naht Black Chicken! Yah can't be Nee'nah Sayahz! Yah jus' chickens!"

Lieutenant Blake could not help but laugh hysterically at the situation despite not knowing how all these people got in here or how the room got bigger. His laughter reached the point where his face was red and little tears of joy were streaming down his face; resting his head on Captain Perry's knee from exhaustion.

Without warning, the vegetable merchant walked up to the hen-haggled investigator, "Nina Sayers would have never destroyed my tomatoes! See, now I'm worried about the next act. I'm just not sure you're feeling up to it." His voice became rather mischievous as he said, "How about I dance the Black Swan for you?"

Jayden's eyes were filled with terror at the tomato vendor's ghastly suggestion. Instantly he launched himself forward and tackled the shorter man hard. Thrashing around on the ground, the two men struck each other viciously; though it was only a moment later that the stocky vendor would get an advantage by getting both hands around Norman's throat. With a mean look in his gaze, the tomato seller shouted, "It's my turn! My turn! My turn!"

The profiler gasped for breath as he was nearly suffocated. Then with one quick burst of strength, he broke out of the man's hold and grabbed one of the pesky chickens that were still stirring around them. Norman snapped the poor bird's neck in one motion. His hand drove the animal downward beak first like a dagger, where it impaled the vegetable merchant in the chest. Jayden's eyes glazed over red; making him look like he had an eye infection from hell. His voice was hoarse and rather demonic as he spat, "It's _mai_ turn!"

The tomato vendor was still for a second; his face frozen with shock as he saw the latter half of the feathered fiend sticking out of his own flesh. Blood shot out of the wound in torrents to where it covered his assailant and most of the floor. Carter almost thought he was watching a Quentin Tarantino film at that point, and now he was questioning if the vicious incident was intentionally part of the re-enactment or it was simply a mistake that ended up being eerily similar to the dressing room scene (and whether or not they'd have to arrest Norman for killing a man).

After the food seller gave out his last breath, Norman began grabbing the remaining flock of chickens as they were still pecking at him. In a violent fury wings were broken; heads were torn from writhing necks. If a member of PETA had been watching they'd have surely fainted by now.

As the bloodbath went on, all the random strangers who had interrupted the scene were now running for their lives screaming in pure horror. It didn't take them long to clear out altogether, and by the end of it the berserker was left standing in the middle of his fellow actors drenched in blood and feathers breathing heavily. They watched him intently; unsure of what to do.

"I'm tha fuckin' Swah'n Qween! This is mai stage! I'll show yah that I'm thuh onl'ee one who can play Nee'nah Sayahz!", he said with frightening determination, "Now let's do this shit again!"

Suddenly the lights began to flicker again, the wild strobe lights flared for a second time, and the dancers became entranced by the energetic tune once more. No longer was Norman covered in blood and feathers, and the bodies of the chickens and vegetable merchant had disappeared altogether.

Immediately Carter noticed a difference in the FBI agent as he watched him dance; Jayden's movements were uninhibited, perfect, and uniquely feminine; he had fully delved into the captivating role of Nina Sayers. Quickly the lieutenant tried to shift his attention back to Jessica and her partner as he felt weird watching Norman perform in such a way and enjoy it, but his blue eyes slowly drifted back to him. Blake was taken by the way Norman tossed his head with carefree attitude, the way his body moved to the rhythm, and the way his eyes emitted that wild gaze as he stared into "Andrew's".

" _Damn! Where's all this coming from? He's really doing it! I never knew how fit he was underneath that suit! Actually for a guy he's pretty good looking… Wait a minute, why I am thinking this about Norman Jayden?_ ", Carter thought.

Ignoring his feelings, he watched as "Nina's" visions began to physically manifest – as Jayden danced with "Andrew/Jerry" in the blaze of the red lights, there were two more of the federal agent dancing amongst the crowd behind them. Then after a flash of black, a statue of Joseph Stalin suddenly appeared in the middle of the room of dancers; it was similar to the one that once stood in Gori's central square, except this one depicted the former leader of the Soviet Union reading a newspaper as he sat on a toilet with a proud but subtle smile upon his face. Carter deduced that this was supposed to be simulating the Icarus statue that Nina saw at the opening season party but was confused as to what Joseph Stalin had to do with the situation (perhaps it was all they could get…?). The monument shifted around the room; one minute it was on the left side, then on the right like the swirling bodies around it. Nothing in the room seemed to stay in one place for very long under the cover of the strobe lights.

As Norman and his Asian partner continued to dance, another Norman in what looked to be a white tutu was dancing behind them. Carter's interest peaked and he found himself straining his eyes to try and take in the full image of the Norman doppelganger prancing around in the white swan costume but the myriad of dancers obscured his view. Thus, the lieutenant was given only a brief glance at a pale shape of a man in the white swan, Odette's, form. Though there was another shape trailing not far behind the Norman-Odette; it was a ghastly black shape that stood just a little higher than the FBI agent did. Blake assumed it was Von Rothbart, the main antagonist of Swan Lake and one of the many horrific hallucinations that haunted Nina in Black Swan; appearing as a strange reptilian-birdlike creature. Though something about the dark figure was suspicious, Carter knew there was something different of this Rothbart, but he would not yet get the chance to see what it was as both the illusionary figures disappeared like fragile dreams they were.

After the short delusion, it was now nothing but the regular scene of Norman and Jessica grooving to the music with their partners. They were excelling in their roles as young people living in a carefree moment; the four laughing it up as they danced wildly, even sensuously with each other. Yet the world around seemed to be blurring and twisting like rippling glass as they went on. Every once in a while Blake would spy a silhouette of ballerina or that dark shape that he'd seen earlier, but it made no difference to the dancers or to even Norman; he simply lost himself in the energy of the room like Nina had.

However, the eerie hallucinations would not stop there – as Norman participated in a bit of "bump 'n' grind" dancing with "Andrew", the young Korean girl would transform into an old man. It only took a few seconds for Blake to register that Norman was now dancing with Captain Perry (who was apparently selected to represent the sleezy geezer Nina is confronted with on the train; and to Blake there wasn't any old timer that he knew that was better suited for the part). The lieutenant didn't know whether to laugh or be disturbed by the sight of his boss frisking his rival on a dancefloor but it was definitely an interesting sight to behold as he watched Perry's face become overrun with surprised joy. In another flash of green Leighton would be transported back to his chair next to Carter.

He was still panting from the spontaneous excursion as he said to his subordinate, "Wow! That was really something! I've got to admit that little Boston homo has got an ass you could bounce a quarter off of!"

Again Blake was left speechless by the comment, and he was now curious to know if Norman's ass was indeed as perky and enticing as his captain said, but the thought was instantly blown away as he saw "Andrew/Jerry's" face warp into an abominable mess. He could make out a strange bird-like visage, so it was safe to assume that it was their version of Von Rothbart but he couldn't make out the full details other than that it was definitely different than the evil villain in the movie.

As the dancing went on more Norman Jaydens would appear randomly in the room; each one in his own outfit and moving independently of each other. It had gone from girl-on-girl action to Norman-on-Norman action. The police lieutenant was both mortified and fascinated by the idea. The spiraling swirls and wavy textures in the air were growing more frequent now, distorting the real Norman Jayden's face like mirrors in a funhouse. The Asian schoolgirls returned thereafter, but now something was moving with "Nina". Blake could see the black shape more clearly now – it was indeed Von Rothbart but the creature was being played by Big Bird, the oversized canary from the children's show Sesame Street. Though the form of Big Bird was the same, it was apparent that he was supposed to represent a more twisted version of itself to better suit the role of Rothbart; being covered in black and emerald green feathers with menacing red eyes that stared deep into Norman's own as they waltzed across the dance floor.

(…Everybody needs a breakout role now and then, even Big Bird.)

In another flash of blackness, Norman was dancing with "Tom" instead of "Andrew". The two embraced each other for a passionate kiss amongst the crowd of wild dancers as the dancefloor went on swirling and reeling around them.

Carter thought to himself, " _Hot damn, this role really has Norman gettin' around. Asian girls, Captain Perry, and now Big Bird!"_

It was then that Norman pulled away from "Tom", she had sprouted odd feathers all over her body as she watched the frightened "Nina" with an intense gaze; then vanished into the crowd. Norman was left to dance by himself amongst the mob of moving shapes. Jayden's movements were now half-hearted and full of uncertainty; he was lost and confused. He briefly bumped into the back of another dancer behind him (this time on purpose to reflect the scene) and began looking around as if he were in a trance.

Suddenly the techno music stopped – it was replaced with the chilling strings of eerie violins that hypnotized and intimidated the listener.

A male voice began to call out amongst the nerve wracking tones of the instruments; saying one thing in maddening repetition, "Sherbet… Sherbet… Sherbet… Sherbet…"

Upon hearing the voice, Blake perked up a bit, " _Hey, that voice sounds familiar… I swear I should know who that is. And what the hell does ice cream have to do this? I thought it was supposed to be a woman saying 'sweet girl, sweet girl'. Man I wish I knew the reason for these damn change ups._ "

Ignoring the slight change in the scene, he watched as the strobe lights flickered even more now.

In the glaring red light he saw Norman's face overcome with fright and shock; in a flash the FBI agent's visage was decorated with grandiose opera-like makeup. The persona of Odile, the Black Swan, had been released from within. Carter wanted to write off that face like as if it belonged to a crazed drag queen roaming the street corner (which it did slightly) but he could not deny the alluring nature that it created for his rival. Like everything else thus far it had vanished in another flash of electric green. Now amongst the flashes of red the lieutenant saw his nemesis' face spiral into many; it was like seeing the world through a twisted kaleidoscope; the music intensifying the situation. When the visions cleared Jayden stood in the crowd looking like a timid fawn in a daunting forest; searching for a familiar face. The Big Bird-Von Rothbart moved past him in the red, and disappeared in the green.

Keeping in step with the film, Jessica's voice cut in amongst the maniacal Sherbet chants and deranged instruments, shouting, "Hey!", as she ran up beside Norman playfully yelling again, "Nina!"

The weird violins stopped and the electronic music returned, briefly breaking the spell of Nina's delusion. Norman turned and smiled to his friend as she gave him a gentle nudge in his side.

In the next flash of crimson, their bodies would be pressed against each other in the heat of a passionate dance. Blake's eyes widened with excitement as realized what part of the club scene they had reached – the erotically-charged dance between Lily and Nina.

Each wave of Jessica's hand or tossing of Norman's head was filled with the exact same energy that the movie reflected. It had to have been one of the sexiest things the lieutenant had ever seen in his life; his rival and his hero working the dancefloor in a wild trance.

Soon they were spinning each other in and out; completely being absorbed into the magic of the event.

At one point Norman spun Jessica into his arms, letting one hand glide through her sandy brown hair. The room began to swirl again as the two played off each other's movements sensuously. When the room cleared there was nothing but ecstasy and happiness upon their faces. In the lieutenant's eyes their performance was almost as sexy and vivacious as Natalie Portman's and Mila Kunis' original portrayal of the scene. As they went on, an aura of pink silhouetted Finch-like birds (Blake's understanding of ornithology was lacking and thereby could not properly identify what birds they were) surrounded them for a brief second. At first it seemed rather fitting, until Blake realized they were all dead and withered; then it just became confusing and morbid.

" _What the hell was wrong with the butterflies? A bunch of dead birds seems like a strange choice for a replacement._ ", Carter thought.

(Just because Merlin is dead does not mean he doesn't deserve a place in a Black Swan reenactment. It's not his fault his owners were a bunch of morons who let him suffer a shitty death by starvation.)

When the tiny lifeless cloud of birds disappeared the two began dancing with an intense gaze upon one another. The techno beat was sputtering into an intense rhythm as the lights flashed even faster; all that the lieutenant could see now was split second images of "Nina" and "Lily" as they danced with untamed sexuality and improvised grace. It was certainly a sight to behold, from the sheen of light perspiration on their bodies to the uninhibited movements that they left in their wake. Though it was becoming troubling to keep sight of them on the phantasmal dancefloor; the pair was shifting every which way around the room and more doubles of the two were constantly appearing here and there.

Then something different caught Blake's attention – he saw Ash being accompanied by a trio of giant stuffed penguins; man-sized versions of his favorite Beanie Baby (its name was something like "Puffin" or "Puffer", Blake had a tendency to zone out when his partner would rant on about his creepy hobby) and they were performing some sort of coordinated dance in unison with him. From the looks of their disturbing charade they were doing that infamous dance from the 90's, the Macarena. Of course Carter hated that particular dance along with the popular one-hit wonder that went along with it; and although it did not belong anywhere in the scene, Ash seemed to be greatly enjoying himself. Upon witnessing the odd sight, Blake though, _"Dear god, Ash, you really need to get a new hobby…"_

Then his longtime partner disappeared with his Beanie friends and Jessica and Norman teleported back to that side of the room in the next flash. On the other side something strange and pointless was going on again; this time it was Charlene, but a more unsettling version of the secretary. She had been transformed into a kind of octopus-woman hybrid; the top half of her body was normal but her arms and legs were nothing but the tentacles of a sea monster. The slimly appendages lashed out at the schoolgirl dancers surrounding her, and slipped into the deep recesses of their clothing for obvious purposes. After a few moments of watching the secretarial monstrosity tease the North Korean girls in a carnal fashion the dancefloor returned to "normal" for another few split seconds.

The police lieutenant was dumbstruck by these two "hallucinations"; fully knowing that they had no possible equivalent to something that happened in the movie, but as he had already done a million times today he simply went along with it.

When Mrs. Fletcher and Agent Jayden had switched back to the left side of the room, another development was taking place across from them once again. Amongst the dancers, a small and skinny shape was bounding through the throng of people at a furious pace, and another form was apparently riding the smaller one. Blake's right eyebrow rose up slightly at the realization that it was that reporter, Madison Paige, running around on all fours trying to mimic a horse, and Ethan Mars was riding her. The once seemingly inconsolable victim of the Origami Killer was now dressed in a cowboy outfit as he was yelling something but the music drowned most of it out. Blake was able to read his lips somewhat and Mars was either saying something like, "My chucks have Ida's gallstone!" or "Fuck yeah, I'm John Marston!"

Either way the two looked more ridiculous together than Ash's and Charlene's little episodes combined.

Carter grunted as he said to himself, "Hope the bitch breaks a hoof and sends the whiny trouble making pussy into a wall."

Unfortunately for Blake, the "bitch" seemed to be doing quite well as her back legs kicked out furiously like a true bucking bronco; like an untamable mare of some secret plain, and all the while Ethan was holding onto the back of her shirt with one hand as he waved the other in the air with overzealous pride.

Soon they too evaporated and the mystery writer and the FBI agent overtook their place on the floor; though their phase would be short as well. "Nina" and "Lily" ended up disappearing only moments into their return, and this time a bathtub took their spot on the dancefloor. Despite the fact that all the previous intrusions were wild and unexplainable, this one was even crazier – inside the white porcelain Victorian-style bathtub was Scott Shelby, a man who by all rights was supposed to be carrying out his life-in-prison sentence after being branded the Origami Killer. As if the situation couldn't get any more unusual, the ex-private investigator was not lying in a tub full of water but rather a tub full of what appeared to be Sherbet ice cream; and he was rubbing it all over his blubbery body as if it were a gift from the heavens. Suddenly the earlier incident with the mysterious voice repeating ' _Sherbet, sherbet, sherbet_ ' made sense, though Blake never knew his former partner was one of those types obsessed with food sex. It was then that a woman approached Shelby's sherbet bath in the midst of the dancers, she had long dark hair with sharp facial features which were filled with anxiety and annoyance. From what Blake could see, she appeared to be wearing a green waitress' uniform with a small black apron that had a Denny's logo across the top. Her pale hands were holding a large plastic carton of orange Sherbet ice cream; dumping it into the bathtub with a scooper. When the strange woman noticed that eyes were watching her, she looked at Perry and Blake, and held up a sign that read in bold black letters:

" **HEY IT BEATS BEING A HOOKER!** "

(Oh yeah, Lauren gave up on the stigma of being a waitress and realized she was a woman with goals…)

The thin, dark-haired woman then went about her business, and eventually both Shelby and the former prostitute disappeared from the scene to be replaced with Norman and Jessica once again.

Once again Blake was swept away by a myriad of split second flashes of "Nina" and "Lily" dancing together; tossing their heads with carefree attitude, bodies moving vivaciously with the intense techno beat. The two seemed to anticipate what the other would do next to complete the scene. At one point Jessica rested her hands on Norman's chest; letting them glide sensuously down his chest as he leaned his head backward as if spellbound from her gentle touch.

Then the world around them was a blur again and Norman was now surrounded by more Norman Jaydens. In and amongst the spiraling red swirls the FBI replicants danced as if they were truly the only Norman Jayden in existence; their movement dazzling and chaotic.

In another flash of green light Jessica Fletcher and the North Korean schoolgirls returned.

"Lily" was throwing her hands behind her back as she moved her hips. "Nina" in turn began doing the same. They both did this for quite some time. It was becoming quite difficult for Blake to keep track of what each was doing as they appeared at different points on the dancefloor and dancing with different partners.

After so long something seemed to be overtaking Norman, the rush, the high, the climax of the experience was taking its toll exactly how it did on Nina Sayers in the film.

The FBI agent's movements were becoming slightly slower. He ran a few fingers through his hair; wiping away some perspiration that lingered there. He turned around; and there was the crime novelist right beside him. He reached out for her, and she reached out for him. In between the flashes of crimson and emerald, Blake saw a pair of unnerving yellow eyes staring at them. Both "Nina" and "Lily" had almost touched when suddenly Jessica briefly turned into another Norman. In the light of flaring green she returned to normal and their bodies collided. The two shared a wavy embrace with each other's arms around the other; their forms moving in circles from the exhaustion brought on by it all.

Suddenly the electronica music was beginning to skip and sputter; the lights began flashing faster. By now the police lieutenant could make out almost nothing, once second he though he saw a mass of hands and the next it was the wispy forms of "Lily" and "Nina" still embracing each other. In the din of the seizure-inducing lights he saw the two bring each other's faces close together. A spring of excitement was in Blake's throat as he squinted; not sure if they were simply bumping heads or sharing an actual kiss but the flashing was obscuring things greatly.

" _Goddamn! This is exactly why I hated this part of the movie! I just wanted to see them make out! Fuck I'm amazed I haven't become epileptic from all these strobe lights!"_ , Carter thought.

It was then that everything in view became one big smear of red or green with nothing discernible to make out of the smudge of swirls. By now even the music was nothing but a bunch of distorted beats.

Then there was nothing but blackness…

Blake couldn't even see his own hand in front of his face. It was the darkest black he'd ever seen in his life.

His moved his hand out a little bit to where Perry should have been; immediately feeling the man's kneecaps once again.

"That you, Perry?", he asked the unseen form.

"Yeah! Who the hell did you think was sitting here? Or were you hoping for the pantywaist from Boston?", Perry mocked.

Annoyed, Blake immediately fired back, "Shut up! I can't see a damn thing!"

"I knew I should have put a stop to this before it started! That FBI prick and his pals just killed the power to the city's finest police department!", Leighton groaned.

"Oh give me a fuckin' break! You were out there havin' the time of your pathetic life out there! I could tell you were getting a stiffie while you were dancing up on Norm's ass!"

Captain Perry responded gingerly, "W-W-Well I thought it was one of those nice little Japs at first! …Speaking of stiffies I still got one. Perhaps you could oblige me while we're in the dark?"

"Forget about your dick, Perry. Right now we've got to figure out how to get out of the dark, not how to fuck around in it.", Blake spoke bluntly.

"Fine. Even though I think you're just dodging your duties I'll let it go until we get this all straightened out. But you better keep your lips moist for me Blake because by God that blowjob is happening!"


	3. Act III: A Swan Is Born, A Debt Is Paid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Achtung, bitches! Rejoice and strap on your best ballet slippers because here is the final act!

Carter fumbled around in the darkness; trying to feel his way to something besides his equally blind boss. Gingerly his hands swiped at the air and the ground for fear of running into some unknown object, but for the moment it seemed like the two men were in a room of complete emptiness, even the desk that used to be in front of them was no longer there.

The lieutenant sighed in frustration at their predicament. He’d give almost anything to feel something tangible in hopes that they might be getting somewhere, especially to the exit.

Just when he was about to call out for Captain Perry, he felt his body immediately shift to a sitting position; and indeed he was sitting upon something rather comfortable and cushiony.

Suddenly bright lights began shining in front of them; the subdued lights revealed that he and Perry were now sitting in a row of theatre seats, and likewise a grand stage was now in front of them. The two men look around in complete wonder as there were many different people sitting in the other seats. It was apparently a full house with high class spectators who’d come to see the performance. Sitting on either side of Blake and Perry were old ladies in satin dresses with diamond earrings, they looked at the two men with complete disdain and huffed in disgust as they turned their noses slightly upward and faced the stage. Just when he was about to go off on the aging broads Blake suddenly heard the sound of many small footsteps shuffling somewhere in the room. He saw the top half of the young Korean school girls moving about in the orchestra pit near the stage.

Standing up he peered over the ledge and looked down into the pit; they had organized themselves into sections as if they were about to play like a real orchestra, but they had no instruments with them. They simply sat in their chairs or stood in place as they waited for the girl standing in front to direct them.

The young woman raised her conductor’s baton, and instantly a rise of music began to fill the air despite the fact that none of the female youths had actual instruments. It was like some magical version of air guitar but instead it was an air orchestra. The rich sounds of violins, clarinets, flutes, cymbals and harps poured out from the orchestra pit as genuine as any true orchestra. As the “conductor” continued her work she sensed that she was being watch and suddenly turned and glared at Carter; motioning him with her eyes and head to get back in his seat.

Feeling a little nervous at getting caught, Blake quietly retreated back to his seat. Captain Perry gave him a look of disapproval at his foolish act but said nothing. The lieutenant’s eyes narrowed but kept quiet as well as they returned to the show that was about to take place in front of them.

As the girls played one of Tchaikovsky’s themes from “Swan Lake” on their non-existent instruments, the long red curtains parted to present a series of sheer black curtains with silver gates painted on them. Fine looking chandeliers hung from the ceiling; glowing with a soft light.

By this time Blake already knew which part the group was performing – the theatre scene; the climax of the movie where Nina’s transformation into the perfect symbol of the black swan is fully realized.

The beating of his heart quickened as the silver gates parted; from the darkness of the stone wall backdrop emerged two forms, a spotlight focused on them to reveal their appearances. There stood Norman as Odile, The Black Swan, and he was accompanied by Big Bird who was reprising his role as the evil Rothbart.

The two dancers took a few steps out into center stage hand-in-hand, and immediately the beautiful performance was on.

Big Bird and Norman threw their unclasped hands out to their respective sides. Norman was thrust forward so that the crowd could get a better glimpse of him. Even from this distance Carter could see the majestic red-orange orbs that had overtaken Norman’s normal eyes; he could see them widening with excitement through the thinly-layered black veil that he was currently wearing. It seemed it was an almost perfect replication of what had transpired in the film.

Big Bird spun Norman out to the right, and then to the left, before pulling him back into his arms again. The beloved children’s TV star moved his hands down to Norman’s waist so that he could prop him up slightly on the tips of his toes.

The FBI agent gently waved his arms up and down as if he were a bird catching wind beneath his wings; the sound of a strong breeze and fluttering of feathers boomed throughout the theatre, solidifying the act.

The audience was dazzled and they gasped; hypnotized by Norman’s enchanting spell.

It was then that Lieutenant Blake was sure that no man would ever look so refined being stuffed into an elegant black tutu that was practically six sizes too small. He could not guess how the federal profiler had managed to squeeze himself into an outfit that would only make other men look completely ridiculous and not just slightly ridiculous but still enchanting.

“Odile” pulled away from “Rothbart”, still fluttering his wings as he twirled to the other side of the stage where Ethan Mars awaited him in pitch black tights – it was apparent that the survivor of the Origami Killer was playing the part of Prince Siegfried, Odette’s lover that is tricked by Rothbart’s evil schemes.

Carter’s expression turned a little sour at this realization. He grumbled to himself, “Should’ve pegged that whiny panty-waist to be a pussy toe-dancer.”

(Jealousy is an ugly thing...)

Norman caressed Ethan’s face as they stared at each other with deep passion; his eyes were just as entranced as the audience had been.

“Odile” broke the gaze and twirled away from “Siegfried”, flapping his wings every so often to keep the magic of the performance going.

They two infatuated lovers danced around the evil villain as his plot unfolded. Restlessly they performed their seductive dance; leaping off the ground for brief seconds before landing to caress each other’s faces again.

By this time, Blake had noticed that this part seemed to be a lot longer and different than what was in the movie, and now they were doing moves that were eye catching. Ethan was picking Norman up by his side and hip and prancing about the stage with him like figure skaters on an ice rink.

Then something more bizarre happened – a ring of fire was wheeled out into the spotlight.

Ethan Mars rushed towards the flaming device with Norman still held high above his head; without warning he tossed the FBI agent in the direction of it. The tip of Jayden’s left foot hit the smooth stage floor and then pushed off of it. He sailed through the air and in a single bound was able to hurdle himself through the circular pattern of fire. Once he cleared the flames completely he landed on a white miniature pony that was now running about the stage; balancing himself upon the small equine on one foot. As he continued to ride the animal in this fashion, the agent pulled what seemed to be a deflated red balloon from the folds of his tutu. He began to blow up the balloon a little at a time so as not to disrupt his perfect balance. Eventually he started shaping it into something, by the time he was finished he had twisted the balloon into the shape of a swan; after which he tossed it off stage and dismounted from the pony with a single step.

Captain Perry and Blake glanced at each other; both men were completely dumbstruck by the odd routine that had been thrown in but said nothing, returning their attention back to the show.

After some more twirling, the trio of dancers drifted from view before exiting from the stage completely.

It was then that the music changed, the cymbals and trumpets shifted to a more uplifting and grandiose rhythm; signaling to the audience that the climax of the show had come.

Suddenly Norman appeared from the left wing of the stage. He had removed his thin veil so that his face and crown were now completely exposed for all to see; and it was indeed comparable to what was featured in the Black Swan film. Carter admired the fine artistry of Norman’s opera-styled makeup; the emerald greens and charcoal blacks and shimmering silvers that made up the shape of bands of feathers running over his sensual and terrifying eyes, the powdered whiteness of his cheeks, and the faint floral purple that had been painted on his lips. The lieutenant was sure there was not a transvestite in all of Philadelphia who could rival Norman’s cross-dressing beauty. He was only disappointed that he had not been able to witness the brief scene backstage where Nina removed the veil; how he would have loved to see Norman tear the see-through fabric from his face and let his newfound beauty shine as Nina’s did.

The federal agent began spinning toward the center of the stage for the grand finale, but instinct told Carter that something was amiss.

His blue eyes searched desperately for what was throwing off his gut feeling – and there he spotted a group of men in black suits peeking out from the right wing. He had no idea of who they could possibly be; disgruntled FBI agents who hated Norman, CIA members with a grudge, gangsters of some foreign mafia, or even followers of some homophobic religious cult.

Blake knew this wasn’t a part of the performance, no matter how crazy and off track this whole thing had gotten previously, his instincts told him this was going to be bad.

The sinister men rushed out onto the stage with handguns aimed for the entranced dancer.

Blake’s heart sank in fear for a brief moment. He stood up out of his seat. He wanted to call out to warn Norman, but no words came from his lips. Time began to slow down.

Just when it seemed one of the suits were about to pull the trigger, Jayden went into action. He twirled towards the direction of the man closest to him; kicking the gun out of his hand as he spun on his heel. Another one of them charged toward him, and Norman retaliated by extending his arms out like a bird stretching its wings which slapped the pistol from the clutches of his enemy. By this time the men were attacking Jayden in rapid succession, when one tried to target him with their weapons it would be instantly flung out their grasp only to have it happen to another one of their evil cohorts until eventually they had all lost their firearms. They switched to an obscure type of martial arts; going after Norman with their fists and feet. Once again the FBI agent reacted to their attacks with a flawless and swift grace. As the flurries of kicking and punching continued, it appeared that Norman was turning the fine art of en pointe ballet into a deadly dance.

Though he battled his opponents with accuracy and lethality, his face did not convey the kind of emotion that one would typically expect in a contest of hand-to-hand combat. The expression on Norman’s face was one of complete fulfillment and excitement, though not necessarily over his slow advance over the enemy, it was merely the same expression that Nina Sayers had on her face during the scene. He carried on as if there were no men attacking him at all.

Norman Jayden would not let anything stop him from performing his art. He was as dedicated as the character herself, and he wouldn’t allow anything to stand in the way of reenacting and paying homage to a cinema masterpiece.

At this point almost all of the unknown villains had been knocked onto the ground, and only a few of them had enough strength left to get back up. The ones who did glared at the magnificent dancer as he continued to ignore them; delicately spinning with each step back toward the center of the stage. Norman’s body seemed to be sizing itself up for the final moment of the act as he moved with even more grace than before. Dark feathers began overtaking his form as it had for Nina Sayers in her delusion; merging with his skin and his tutu.

By the time he’d spun with each step toward center stage, Agent Jayden had long, beautiful black feathers sprouting from his arms until they were no longer arms but spectacular wings of a bird.

Norman was spinning effortlessly on the tip of one foot, while his other foot crashed into the bodies of the remaining men until only one was left standing.

This particular man had been beaten bloody by now, and it was apparent that his strength had been greatly drained from him. All he could do now was watch the wondrous sight unfold before him.

As the music reached a final crescendo, Norman stopped spinning and positioned his feet in a delicate pose with his grand wings held high above his head. The sound of the drum roll seized up the tension of the moment, and then the rest of the instruments boomed to announce the end of the act. “Odile” then stretched out his wings to their fullest extent; he was the epitome of elegance in his final pose. It seemed the beauty of this action was too great for the single man who still stood, and he fell to the floor without any further attempts to fight.

In a flash Norman’s feathers disappeared, but still he held his stance as Nina had in the movie.

The crowd went wild; standing up in their seats and they clapped and yelled with rejoice at the wonderful performance. Even Captain Perry was applauding alongside Lieutenant Blake.

Carter smiled as he felt a single tear building up in the corner of his right eye, though he didn’t bother to wipe it away; instead he continued gazing upon the magical sight of Agent Norman Jayden standing on that stage in all his glory.

It was then that he realized that he’d been completely wrong about the other man – behind all that Boston douchebaggery lay the heart of a soft and enchanting creature with a profound dedication. The lieutenant’s heart had been seduced and enslaved by the majesty of this black swan. He knew he was madly in love with him and he vowed to never let their petty differences get in the way of the relationship the two men could develop together.

Norman stood up straight to face the enthralled audience, where he greeted their attention by waving his arms in a delicate fashion and then curtsied.

The crowd began to fervently cheer, “Norman! Norman! Norman!”

The FBI agent smiled as he soaked in the love and adoration he was receiving as they continued to chant his name; fully knowing he’d done it – he had given his best performance as an amateur reenactor.

Then both Perry’s and Blake’s vision went completely blank, as if the lights in the room had reached the luminosity of the sun itself.

When their vision cleared they found themselves back in Leighton’s office once again, and everything was normal once again. It was almost as if they’d been in the room the entire time and hadn’t experienced any of the phenomena that had just occurred.

Blake looked over the desk from his position on the floor beside Perry, seeing Norman being showered with hugs and laughter as Jessica and the Korean girls crowded around him with glee.

“Oh Norman that was wonderful!”, Mrs. Fletcher said.

“Gee, do yah reelie think so Jessicah? Do yah reelie think I brought out tha essence of Nee’nah Sayahz?”, the FBI agent asked sincerely.

The famed mystery writer laughed, “Believe me Norman, Natalie Portman would be proud if she were here to witness your performance. You did a fine job of playing Nina Sayers.”

“Oh I’m so happy tah hear yah say that!”, his eyes stared off into space as if he were reliving the glorious moments in his mind, “I jus’ felt so alive an’ free when I was dancing! Jessicah I know it’s ah’roggant tah say this but…I felt…it… Perfect…”

A few tears managed to trickle gently down his cheeks as he was overwhelmed by his own emotions, but he remained still and silent as the memories played on. Mrs. Fletcher and the girls gave Norman a big group hug in support; after which Jessica dabbed his cheeks with a handkerchief.

“Of course it was perfect! Would it end up as anything else? You have every right to feel fulfilled.”, Jessica reassured him.

Growing annoyed with the touchy-feely sentiments that were choking the air, Perry interjected, “I’m not going to say I’m not happy to break up this little sorority party, because believe me I am, but I’d like to know what the hell that was all about! I hope you all know that you’ll be paying for whatever police resources your wild stunts wasted; including my time! I was supposed to be getting a blowjob by now!”

Before either Norman or Jessica could reply there was a loud scream coming from outside the office, “Nooooooooooo! Why god, why?! How could this happen?!”

Everyone stood still as they were taken aback by the sudden nature of the situation, and in another moment the voice’s owner would be barreling through Perry’s office door as the group before him did – the sight of Blake’s partner Ash in the doorway was a pathetic one. He looked severely traumatized as if he’d just been brutally raped like an unfortunate soul who dropped the soap in an Alabama prison; though what terrors he’d truly suffered no one in the room could guess at the moment.

“Jesus, what the hell happened, Ash?”, Blake asked him.

Trembling in the spot where he stood, Detective Ash faintly said, “Something real bad, Blake…”

Leighton rolled his eyes, eager to cut to the chase, “Oh hell, Ash I’ve already been through too much of this crap today. Either you tell us what just happened or get out of my office.”

Ignoring him, Ash spat with grief, “Some sick bastard… Oh god… They… They murdered my Pincers!”

Upon finishing his exclamation of anguish, he presented all who were in the room with a momentarily disturbing sight – there in his hands lay the haggard form of a once colorful red lobster plushie; it was one of Ash’s beloved Beanie Babies. A long cut had been made along its back, and some of the little silicon beads had fallen out of it; making the little stuffed toy look deflated and sad.

Everyone sighed with relief as they realized it was nothing truly serious or important.

“ _That’s_ what all the racket out there was over?”, Perry scoffed.

“Hey fuck you, Perry! This is one of the first Beanie Babies ever to be made! I let a Ukrainian woman with one eye cut out one of my kidneys in the bathtub of a roach motel to get my hands on this beautiful thing, and it was worth every damn moment of that and its worth every bit of racket I’m making right now!”, Ash defended.

He looked at the FBI agent and the mystery writer, “I’m not here to bicker with you though, Perry. I don’t need your help… I need theirs... You two are the best at uncovering the truth behind the worst crimes and that’s why I’m turning to you for help. I need you to solve the murder of my Pincers!”

Jessica and Jayden said nothing for a moment as they stared at one another in confusion; especially upon the paradox of how an inanimate object could be “murdered”.

The famous author then winked at her friend, to which he winked at her as well.

“Yes I think we might be able to help you.”, Mrs. Fletcher said.

Ash sighed with relief, “Oh thank you… I knew I could count on you both. After all nobody in this police state could solve a homicide if their own life depended on it. That’s why our unsolved murder rate is through the roof. I’m just glad my job doesn’t involve solving them.”

“Well you are Blake’s _partner_ and he does _investigate homicides_ after all so I wonder where that puts you…”, Perry muttered with annoyance.

“Perry you know I’m not actually supposed to do anything. My job is just to provide a little moral support from time to time, that’s it.”, Ash retorted.

Changing the topic of the conversation, Norman gave Ash some moral support of his own, “Well Ash I think Jessicah an’ I can have tha mis’tahrie of yah skewah’d lah’bstah solved in no time! Right, Jessicah?”

Mrs. Fletcher nodded happily, “Oh yes! I’m already starting to see some suspicious details now. In fact we should have this all wrapped up in about 60 minutes and by then we’ll all be smiling after we’ve faced utter peril and death. Norman why don’t we take the girls back to the hotel? I think after we’re finished with this perhaps we could also reenact the sex scene from Black Swan?”

Jayden smiled, “Yeah. Yeah of course. I’d be vairy duh’lighted in continuin’ our reenactin’ ah Black Swan!”

The oddball group then left the room in a single file order, and in seconds it was only Lieutenant Blake and Captain Perry to sit alone in the stuffy office.

Of course the lieutenant was almost ready to spring into action and follow them the very moment he’d heard the two friends discussing the possibility of recreating more scenes from Black Swan; a very sensual scene in particular. If they were half as good as they had been during the club scene he could only imagine how sexually intense their depiction of the sex scene between Nina and Lily would be. Perhaps Carter would be able to take their reenacting to the next level by getting in the middle of that action, and before the night was through he’d have himself an orgy of a most forbidden kind. Then after that he’d charm Norman into falling in love with him as Norman had unintentionally done to him, and maybe they’d run off together and get married on some far away Caribbean island while they wore those charming floral leis even though they wouldn’t be in Hawaii. Norman would rub his feet after he came home from a hard day at the police station. Blake would serve him a bowl of soggy frosted flakes and slightly burnt toast in bed on their anniversary. Perhaps they’d even adopt a living panda bear from China as their child, mainly because Blake could not show compassion to human children, but panda bears do not upset the anti-Christ.

Immediately Blake got up from his kneeling position on the floor and began to head for the door, “See ya later, Perry!”

“And just where the hell do you think you’re going?”, Leighton asked snobbishly.

“For the first time in my life I’ve discovered true love! Norman’s has danced his way into my heart and I’m not going to let that goofy Boston ass get away from me!”, Blake declared.

Captain Perry stared at the other man with the same expression he’d use to look at the same people who thought that episodes of Jersey Shore held the answers to the meaning of the universe, “I don’t even know how to begin to make sense of that. I think I understood Bella falling in love with Edward in Twilight more than the idea of you falling in with Jayden; even if it might be a more interesting set up. The point is I don’t give a damn, Blake. I have only one concern on my mind – you fulfilling your end of our bet.”

Suddenly a steel wall appeared and covered the regular wooden one like a trap door; there was no other exit from the room.

“I think it’s time we settled this… Now moisten those lips for me, Blake!”

Carter threw his hands in the air as he screamed, “Nooooooooooooooooo!”

● **FIN** _●_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it, folks. I can only hope that David Cage will find solace now that this tale has been written and told. I hope you enjoyed my little farce as well! ;D


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